New Normal

Time is a physician that heals every grief.  -Diphilus

It’s been a month since the death of my mother and after family members who came home for her funeral left again to go back to their usual lives, I would like to say that everything is back to normal… except it’s not. Things will never be the same again without her.

Apart from being the one I call Nanay, she was my first bestfriend, first teacher, forever fan, laugh trip buddy… my go-to-person for everything in my life. Losing her is just like losing all those people at the same time. It’s like having a bomb blast off from where I am, causing irreversible damage to my most important body parts. 

True, she prepared me for this to come given her health diagnosis and I made myself believe that her death won’t affect me so much since I prepared for it but I was wrong. During the first two weeks when we were all busy with her wake and funeral arrangements, the sadness is bearable since there are lots of people coming over to condole, to sympathize. But now that our life is back to normal, or should I say new normal, the depth of sadness and grief is deeper than what I imagined. Everyday I think of her and wonder where she is at the moment, how she’s feeling, if she can see me from where she is and if she has companions since she is in a new place now (during her last few years, I rarely let her alone when she is going to a new place). Is she scared? I cannot bear the thought of her being alone and wandering in a strange place.

What if I forced her to proceed with the surgery the first time the doctor said that it is necessary? What if I encouraged her to undergo chemotherapy and radiation after her surgery? Will she be alive today? Sometimes I want to strangle myself for letting her decide, for not taking the matters into my own hands and most of all for being too… complacent? That maybe she will be rewarded with longer life and free from pain because she deserved it after all the sacrifices she went through for me and my brother. I feel guilty for not being so aggressive with her treatment. I feel guilty for being busy with other things. I feel guilty for not stopping cancer from taking away the most important person in my life.

I know, they say it’s not too good to dwell on the negative but this is an exception. I need this - the guilt, the sadness and most of all, to express myself so as I will not sink deeper into depression. I know I will get over this someday but I don’t know when exactly.

If I don’t get to post more often, please understand that I am letting myself heal. I may be watching the sunset by the beach, cooking a new recipe I found, eating out with my husband or doing my quests in Torchlight II. :D Hopefully, these activities will somehow take my mind off the thought that my mother is gone for good and will help me get myself used to my new normal - the life without her.