If Only...

Today is the 17th day after my one and only sibling stopped breathing... 5th day after he was taken to his final resting place. Though friends are telling me to move on, I cannot deny the fact that the pain I am feeling right now is as fresh as ever. His death is so sudden that it hit me like a bullet. We weren’t able to say goodbye to each other... we weren’t able to settle whatever score that needs to be settled... and most of all, I wasn’t able to tell him how much I love him despite of what he is.

He wasn’t the typical older brother or the perfect older brother figure. In fact, I was more like the older one when talking about being responsible. He is often misunderstood, even by me sometimes, but his being different is what made him special to us.

He may not have my self-confidence, my intelligence or the will to succeed but he has the patient to understand his often moody, authoritarian and sometimes self-centered younger sister. He prioritizes his younger sister above himself. His friend even quoted him saying, "what's important is my younger sister". Those phrases broke my heart into pieces...

He may not be the best older brother most people want to have but his love for me and my mother is remarkable. If I want scrambled egg, I can easily get it without having to lift a finger. If I want green mangoes, he’d gladly pick the best one for me. If I want a massage, he’d willingly do it not just for Php 20 or a bottle of Mt. Dew but more importantly, for his tired younger sister.

Every time he finds out that I’m sick, he becomes sick of worry and will do anything to help take good care of me. If I don’t have money to pay for something, he’ll offer whatever small amount he has (or even offer to sell his chickens and lend me the money from it).

If only I can bring back the time, I’d to what I can to make things right... to make him feel that he is loved and valued despite of his weaknesses. I’d spoil him like an older sister would spoil her baby brother. I will set aside my role as the younger one, the one that needs to be pampered.

If only I can bring him back for only a day or even just an hour... I’d do whatever it takes.