Daddy's Rules for Dating

One of my tasks in the office is involved with the tech support center of my client's website. I sort customer emails (called tickets) - remove spam, categorize the tickets and reply to tickets under the technical problem and customer service categories. While doing the task this morning, I saw one email with "Daddy's Rules for Dating" as the subject. I should have deleted it at once knowing that the subject alone is not in any way related to my client's website. But out of curiosity, I opened it and spend a good number of minutes reading the content before hitting the "mark as spam" button. I'm quite amused with the mail and thought of posting it here. So here it is...

• Rule One
  If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.


• Rule Two
  You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.


• Rule Three
  I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.


• Rule Four
  I'm sure you've been told that in today's world sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.


• Rule Five
  It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this.. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'


• Rule Six
  I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.


• Rule Seven
  As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbor Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?


• Rule Eight
  The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Cricket games are okay...Old folks homes are better.


• Rule Nine
  Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.


• Rule Ten
  Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

There you have it guys. If your girl's dad has rules like the ones mentioned above, you shouldn’t be naughty or else you’ll be sorry.